CRAP FILES: Uwe Boll Hates Us

I watched "Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li"(2010) for the first time the other night.  I'd been curious about this movie ever since I saw the trailer for it in 2009.  When I was a kid, I played the classic Capcom game "Street Fighter II" until my thumbs bled.  I wasn't a big fan of one-on-one fighting games (probably because I was never very good at them), but this one had me hooked.  A big screen version of the game was released in the summer of 1994 under the title "Street Fighter", starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.  It was immensely cheesy and horrible.  When I saw recently that Capcom had produced a new "Street Fighter" reboot movie and that it was a more serious attempt to adapt the game, it peaked my curiosity.

Don't bother with it.  I thought nothing could be worse than the 1994 movie, but it was.  While the Van Damme movie acknowledged and reveled in its cheesy nature, this new movie takes itself so utterly serious and is so ineptly made that it makes the 1994 version look good.  The 1994 movie was even a better adaptation - the 2010 "Street Fighter" can't even get the back stories right!  M. Bison is an Irish gangster?  WTF?  Kristen Kreuk, as Chun Li, is a decent actress but she looks twelve years old, and the character is supposed to be in her 20's.  This movie made me downright angry.

Which brings me to Uwe Boll.  He's a jovial German fellow, an entrepreneurial businessman and filmmaker, and he's made some of the worst video game-to-movie adaptations of all time.  After watching "Street Fighter" (2010), I somehow got it into my head that I should do a multi-part review of Mr. Boll's celluloid travesties.  So I watched a few (curse you, Netflix!).  After a short stay at the hospital where I was treated for severe brain damage, I now bring you this mess of short reviews/warnings.  This is far from a complete list - I only made it through seven of his movies (almost half-way through his repertoire).  Still, I think I deserve a medal or something.  Maybe a Purple Heart.

House of the Dead (2003)

I've played these games at the arcade.  Zombies attack you.  You shoot them.  Should be simple enough to make into a movie, da?  Not for Uwe Boll.  The story starts with a group of annoying dumb asses who are on their way to an island to participate in a rave (sponsored by Sega, ha, ha).  They hitch a boat ride from a gun smuggler named Kirk.  Get it?  Captain Kirk?  Har, har.  They arrive on the island to find it completely deserted.  The rave site has been destroyed and is splattered with blood, so naturally half of the party decides to head into the woods to find people and the other half decides to stay behind and drink from the abandoned kegs.  Urgh.  Zombies attack them.  The characters fight them off with guns from Captain Kirk's boat.  The main character of the story doesn't even show up until about a half an hour into the movie.  Say what?  There's a big battle with the zombies which is meant to be the film's big showpiece.  It's full of "Matrix"-style slow motion and is backed by a shitty rap song.  There are even flashes of the game edited into the narrative to, I don't know, remind you that you could be spending your time playing a good game instead of watching a bad movie.  Then the protagonists must face the cause of all this evil - a pasty-faced immortal Spanish conquistador/scientist in a monk's robe who wants to take over the world!  Naturally.  Get me out of here.

The sad thing is, this movie is the front runner of the popular new wave of zombie movies.  "28 Days Later", "Shaun of the Dead" and the "Dawn of the Dead" remake didn't hit theaters until the following year.  I guess that makes Mr. Boll a genius!

I'd show you the trailer, but all of the links are flawed.  Thank the Lord.

House of the Dead 2 (2005)

Okay, Uwe Boll didn't direct this one, some guy named Michael Hurst did.  But Mr. Boll is thanked during the end credits, so this one counts.

A special forces team who deals exclusively with zombie outbreaks is sent to a college campus to find patient zero, the zombie that started it all, and take a sample of her blood in order to find a cure.  Bang, bang, pow, boom, pop (zombie head explodes), kapow!  This is a far better movie than the original.  Having said that, it's still dull as dirt.  There are some decent actors in the cast.  James Parks makes a convincing slime ball, and leads Emmanuelle Vaugier (from the "Saw" series) and Ed Quinn have a good rapport, like "Moonlighting" with zombies.  The story also ties in with the first film rather closely (the character played by Ellie Cornell even returns, minus her legs).  Unfortunately, it's all too cliched and uninspired to recommend.

Alone in the Dark (2005)

I remember playing this game on PC when I was a young lad.  It scared the poop out of me with its spooky atmosphere, foreboding music, and primo jump scares.  In the game, you play investigator Edward Carnby, snooping around an old, dark house while solving puzzles and dodging beasties (yes, and zombies) that could have leapt straight from the pages of H.P. Lovecraft.  It was a great game.

Not such a great movie.  You know you're in trouble right from the start.  The movie opens with scrolling text which explains the back story.  It goes on.  And on.  And on.  And it's narrated.  Badly.  This part sums up perfectly why this movie sucks.  The plot line is a convoluted mess.  In other words, the plot gets in the way of the story.  It's something about an ancient, extinct tribe, a parallel world full of monsters, a magic portal, twelve orphans who get superpowers from scientific experiments, a secret government agency who investigates paranormal happenings, blah, blah, blah, I have ceased to care.  In the end it's just a monster movie, so just dump all of that excess plot baggage, Mr. Boll.  Christian Slater plays the lead role of Edward Carnby.  He and co-star Stephen Dorff seem to be giving it the old "college try" but are unable to elevate the material.  The female lead, Tara Reid from "American Pie", plays an archaeologist.  A couple of years later, Uwe Boll released a director's cut of this movie.  The only difference between the director's cut and the original cut is that nearly all of Tara Reid's scenes were removed.  Ouch.

It's a badly written junk pile with little ties to the source material.  End of story. 

Oh wait, it's not the end.  There's a sequel.

Alone in the Dark 2 (2008)

Actually, I don't know if this is sequel or a remake or whatever.  There's a character named Edward Carnby (played by Rick Yune), but there's nothing to suggest that this is at all related to the original movie.  Sadly, the original movie is also a better "film" (I use that term loosely).

Directed by two unfortunate individuals (Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer, with Boll producing), the story for this sequel is, thankfully, much more simplified - but utterly friggin' boring.  An evil formless witch creature needs to sacrifice someone with a magical dagger in order to come back to life, and only Edward Carnby and his allies stand in her way.

This is one of the dullest movies I've ever seen.  Rick Yune (best known for playing villains in "The Fast and the Furious" and "Die Another Day") is the most charisma-barren "hero" I've ever seen in a movie.  Plus, he spends half of the movie unconscious and the other half not motivating the plot in any way, shape or form.  Oh wait, at the very end he saves the female lead from getting stabbed by a flying dagger.  What a useful guy.  The cast is peppered by familiar genre faces like Danny Trejo, Michael Pare, Bill Moseley and the great Lance Henriksen, who clearly had a hand in rewriting his own dialogue since his lines are the least embarrassing to hear.

Oh yeah, an important note to all filmmakers - NEVER, EVER MAKE YOUR MAIN VILLAIN A SHAPELESS INTELLIGENT CLOUD.  NEVER.

I'm going to sit in the corner and cry for a little while.

BloodRayne (2005)

Okay, I'm back.  (sniff)

I've never played "BloodRayne" before, so I can't compare the games to the movies.  However, I do know that the games take place in the present day.  This movie takes place during medieval times.

Rayne is half-human and half-vampire, a dhampir.  She's pissed off, she's armed (with twin swords) and she wants to kill her evil vampire dad.  Faster than you can say "Blade", she's embroiled in an underground war between vampire killers and vampire armies.

Admittedly, this movie falls in the category of "so bad it's good".  It kept my attention with its abundance of gore, sex, and odd casting choices.  Ben Kingsley as the evil vampire lord?  Michael Madsen as a grizzled vampire killer with a fake looking wig?  Urban tough chick Michelle Rodriguez as the daughter of a nobleman?  Meat Loaf?  Kristanna Loken is a fine actress who just can't seem to find a good role with which to showcase her abilities (she's best known as the lady terminator in "Terminator 3").  Like Christian Slater in that other movie, she seems to be giving it her best effort but is dragged down by the ocean of crap around her.  This may be Uwe Boll's most professional looking movie up to this point, but it's still just something you'd watch to waste time on a Sunday afternoon on the Sci-Fi Channel.  Oh, excuse me, it's just "SyFy" now.

BloodRayne: Deliverance (2007)

Welcome to the Wild West.  Master vampire Billy the Kid and his gang of the undead have taken over the town of Deliverance, and it's up to Rayne to assemble a posse of gunslingers to take down the evil bloodsucker.

I nearly fell asleep several times during this one.  While the original was kind of enjoyable, this lackluster follow up (also directed by Boll) is bereft of gore, sex, any original idea, spark of energy, or sign of life whatsoever.  Natassia Malthe takes over for Kristanna Loken, and she just seems bored.  Zack Ward plays Billy the Kid with a Transylvanian accent - the only hint of originality in this entire fiasco.  Too bad, because I've always wanted to see a good vampire movie set in the Old West.  Emphasis on "good".

BloodRayne: The Third Reich (2011)

Rayne's back, and now she's fighting Nazis!  After accidentally infecting a Nazi commander with vampirism (whoops), everyone's favorite dhampir has to team up with a group of freedom fighters to stop the undead fascists from turning Hitler into one of them!

A marked improvement over the second one, "The Third Reich" (also Boll-directed) features the return of the wanton blood, sex, and so-bad-it's-good veneer that made the first one somewhat tolerable.  Still poopie, however.  Natassia Malthe reprises her role as Rayne and seems to be enjoying herself this time.  But Michael Pare as a Nazi commander?  Whatever.  Clint Howard also appears, playing a raspy-voiced mad scientist.  He's always a welcome sight.

And, best of all, "The Third Reich" has the shortest running time of all the Uwe Boll movies I've reviewed so far.  Hell yeah!  Woot!

There's so much more, but I just can't do it.  Boll also made movies out of "Postal", "Tunnel Rats", and "Farcry", not to mention "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale". 

Ah, ITNOTK:ADST.  Best acronym ever.  It's an excellent example of so-bad-it's-good filmmaking.  A "Lord of the Rings" wannabe starring Jason Statham, featuring Burt Reynolds as a king and Ray Liotta as an evil wizard?  Sign me up.  I was planning on reviewing that and its sequel, but Netflix just won't let me see "In the Name of the King 2" starring Dolph Lundgren.  What gives?

Thank you, Mr. Boll.  Thank you for the headache.  I need to lie down now. . .