No, "The King's Speech" will not be appearing on my list. It was a good movie, just not one of my favorites. "Best Picture" my ass.
Monsters
Directed by Gareth Edwards
Like a giant monster movie directed by Terence Malick, "Monsters" is more concerned with its characters and their relationships with each other, their immediate surroundings and their inner turmoil than with the usual monster movie shenanigans. Years ago, a space probe carrying alien life form samples from another planet crashed into the heart of Mexico. Now a large portion of the country is walled off in order to contain the spread of alien critters, and a freelance photographer (Scoot McNairy) must escort his boss's daughter (Whitney Able) through the infected zone and back to America. Produced on a minuscule budget, Edwards shot much of this movie himself, on the fly, while traveling through Mexico with his actors. He even created all of the visual effects himself on his home computer, which are fantastic, especially during the mesmerizing finale. The result is a movie that feels very grounded and real, and looks much more expensive than it actually was. Some people have bemoaned the lack of monster action, but this movie is like a little slice of life set in a much larger story, which we don't really see, just receive hints of. It's focused and meditative, laced with scenic photography and a subtle musical score, and anchored with solid central performances (McNairy and Able). The fact that Gareth Edwards is now directing the new big-budget American Godzilla reboot makes me happy.
The Karate Kid
Directed by Harald Zwart
Yeah, the original "Karate Kid" (1984) was just a rip off of "Rocky" (it was even directed by the same guy, John G. Avildsen), but it was such a beloved part of my young movie-crazed life that I wasn't planning on ever seeing this remake. Then I did some "research" (definition: I read something on a movie news website) which revealed that this movie is actually a sequel/spinoff of the original series rather than a reboot (it was even titled "The Karate Kid 5" in some countries, "The Kung Fu Kid" in others), so I gave it a chance. And you know what? It got me. While it will never replace the original in my heart, it's yet one more prime example that the classic "Rocky" formula, when done well, will always work (like "The Fighter", also in 2010). Produced by Will Smith, the movie stars his son Jaden (nepotism at its finest) as a kid who moves with his mom (Taraji P. Henson) from America to Beijing, China. Out of place and tormented by a gang of local tough kids, he finds help and friendship from an emotionally broken down handyman (Jackie Chan, who won a Chinese "best actor" award for this role, and deservedly so), who mentors him in the ways of kung fu. Word on the street is that Ralph Macchio, who played Daniel-san in the original series, will reprise the character in the upcoming follow up to this 2010 version.
Never Let Me Go
Directed by Mark Romanek
Based on the novel by Kazuo Ishiguro, "Never Let Me Go" takes place in an alternate reality where people's physical health and lifespans are increased through organ donations from living clones, who are created in test tubes and then raised in various isolated facilities until they come of age. Fully aware of their roles in life, they live quiet lives only to die in surgery, usually from their second or third donation. The movie centers around the lives of three of these unfortunate individuals and how their relationships grow and strain over the course of time (the movie starts in the '70s and ends in the '90s), and how love may offer a way out of their bleak situation. Like "Monsters", this movie tells a smaller, more intimate story in what could have been a much larger tale. It could easily have been yet another sci-fi movie about a slave class rebelling against their repressors (let my people go!), but thankfully it never gets arch. It's meditative (there's that word again), tragic, heartfelt and at the same time cold-blooded stuff. Carey Mulligan is in the lead, with Andrew Garfield and Keira Knightley playing the other two characters in this love/friendship triangle. All of them do fine jobs portraying three distinct characters and how they consciously and subconsciously deal with mortality. Rough stuff.
Micmacs
Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Micmacs is French for "shenanigans". Sort of. Young Bazil's dad was killed while disarming a mine in the war-torn Middle East. Then, while working at a video store late one night, he's hit in the head by a stray bullet, where it becomes permanently lodged. He lives, but the bullet can kill him at any moment. After leaving the hospital, he loses his job and his apartment and is forced to live on the grimy streets of Paris. This is a comedy. After falling in with an endearing group of misfits who live in a junkyard, he decides to wreak vengeance on the two arms corporations who made the bullet in his head and the mine that killed his dad. With his misfit buddies at his side, they enact a complicated plan to play the companies off of each other and teach their respective CEOs a powerful lesson. Bursting at the seams with visual flair and comic mischief, Jeunet (a master of this kind of stuff - he made "Delicatessen", "The City of Lost Children", "Amelie") guides this entertainingly weird heist tale with a practiced hand, bolstered by an ensemble cast of gifted comedic performers. Ultimately, this story about using dumb luck as a springboard for taking destiny by the balls is just a plain 'ol good time. With subtitles.
Frozen
Directed by Adam Green
When programming the lineup for a Halloween horror movie marathon, choose plenty of "fun" horror movies. Then put one movie right in the middle of the lineup that will set the audiences on their asses and make them chew their fingernails off in terror. Then go back to the fun ones. "Frozen" is a good fingernail biter and also the best horror movie of 2010, says me. Emma Bell, Keven Zegers and Shawn Ashmore are three friends on vacation at a popular ski resort in New England. A convincingly conveyed chain of events leaves them stranded high above the ground in a chair lift and, what's worse, the resort is closed for a week and there's a snowstorm moving in. What do you do? Loosely inspired by a real event, indie-horror rising star Adam Green (the "Hatchet" movies, "Spiral") gives us this well crafted yet raw piece of filmmaking which actually fits the overused buzz term "nerve-shredding". I find certain sequences hard to watch, but I really love inflicting this movies on others and watching them squirm. Does that make me a sadist? Probably. And yet this is no "shock for shock's sake" cheapie. The characters are so well established and the lengthy lead-in is so deftly done that when the shit finally hits the ski lift, it's much more hard hitting. It's an original little low budget gem that deserves to not be overlooked. And there's a satisfying little coda/epilogue for this movie in Adam Green's next film "Hatchet 2". But you don't need to see that to enjoy "Frozen".
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
CRAP FILES: Uwe Boll Hates Us
I watched "Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li"(2010) for the first time the other night. I'd been curious about this movie ever since I saw the trailer for it in 2009. When I was a kid, I played the classic Capcom game "Street Fighter II" until my thumbs bled. I wasn't a big fan of one-on-one fighting games (probably because I was never very good at them), but this one had me hooked. A big screen version of the game was released in the summer of 1994 under the title "Street Fighter", starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. It was immensely cheesy and horrible. When I saw recently that Capcom had produced a new "Street Fighter" reboot movie and that it was a more serious attempt to adapt the game, it peaked my curiosity.
Don't bother with it. I thought nothing could be worse than the 1994 movie, but it was. While the Van Damme movie acknowledged and reveled in its cheesy nature, this new movie takes itself so utterly serious and is so ineptly made that it makes the 1994 version look good. The 1994 movie was even a better adaptation - the 2010 "Street Fighter" can't even get the back stories right! M. Bison is an Irish gangster? WTF? Kristen Kreuk, as Chun Li, is a decent actress but she looks twelve years old, and the character is supposed to be in her 20's. This movie made me downright angry.
Which brings me to Uwe Boll. He's a jovial German fellow, an entrepreneurial businessman and filmmaker, and he's made some of the worst video game-to-movie adaptations of all time. After watching "Street Fighter" (2010), I somehow got it into my head that I should do a multi-part review of Mr. Boll's celluloid travesties. So I watched a few (curse you, Netflix!). After a short stay at the hospital where I was treated for severe brain damage, I now bring you this mess of short reviews/warnings. This is far from a complete list - I only made it through seven of his movies (almost half-way through his repertoire). Still, I think I deserve a medal or something. Maybe a Purple Heart.
House of the Dead (2003)
I've played these games at the arcade. Zombies attack you. You shoot them. Should be simple enough to make into a movie, da? Not for Uwe Boll. The story starts with a group of annoying dumb asses who are on their way to an island to participate in a rave (sponsored by Sega, ha, ha). They hitch a boat ride from a gun smuggler named Kirk. Get it? Captain Kirk? Har, har. They arrive on the island to find it completely deserted. The rave site has been destroyed and is splattered with blood, so naturally half of the party decides to head into the woods to find people and the other half decides to stay behind and drink from the abandoned kegs. Urgh. Zombies attack them. The characters fight them off with guns from Captain Kirk's boat. The main character of the story doesn't even show up until about a half an hour into the movie. Say what? There's a big battle with the zombies which is meant to be the film's big showpiece. It's full of "Matrix"-style slow motion and is backed by a shitty rap song. There are even flashes of the game edited into the narrative to, I don't know, remind you that you could be spending your time playing a good game instead of watching a bad movie. Then the protagonists must face the cause of all this evil - a pasty-faced immortal Spanish conquistador/scientist in a monk's robe who wants to take over the world! Naturally. Get me out of here.
The sad thing is, this movie is the front runner of the popular new wave of zombie movies. "28 Days Later", "Shaun of the Dead" and the "Dawn of the Dead" remake didn't hit theaters until the following year. I guess that makes Mr. Boll a genius!
I'd show you the trailer, but all of the links are flawed. Thank the Lord.
House of the Dead 2 (2005)
Okay, Uwe Boll didn't direct this one, some guy named Michael Hurst did. But Mr. Boll is thanked during the end credits, so this one counts.
A special forces team who deals exclusively with zombie outbreaks is sent to a college campus to find patient zero, the zombie that started it all, and take a sample of her blood in order to find a cure. Bang, bang, pow, boom, pop (zombie head explodes), kapow! This is a far better movie than the original. Having said that, it's still dull as dirt. There are some decent actors in the cast. James Parks makes a convincing slime ball, and leads Emmanuelle Vaugier (from the "Saw" series) and Ed Quinn have a good rapport, like "Moonlighting" with zombies. The story also ties in with the first film rather closely (the character played by Ellie Cornell even returns, minus her legs). Unfortunately, it's all too cliched and uninspired to recommend.
Alone in the Dark (2005)
I remember playing this game on PC when I was a young lad. It scared the poop out of me with its spooky atmosphere, foreboding music, and primo jump scares. In the game, you play investigator Edward Carnby, snooping around an old, dark house while solving puzzles and dodging beasties (yes, and zombies) that could have leapt straight from the pages of H.P. Lovecraft. It was a great game.
Not such a great movie. You know you're in trouble right from the start. The movie opens with scrolling text which explains the back story. It goes on. And on. And on. And it's narrated. Badly. This part sums up perfectly why this movie sucks. The plot line is a convoluted mess. In other words, the plot gets in the way of the story. It's something about an ancient, extinct tribe, a parallel world full of monsters, a magic portal, twelve orphans who get superpowers from scientific experiments, a secret government agency who investigates paranormal happenings, blah, blah, blah, I have ceased to care. In the end it's just a monster movie, so just dump all of that excess plot baggage, Mr. Boll. Christian Slater plays the lead role of Edward Carnby. He and co-star Stephen Dorff seem to be giving it the old "college try" but are unable to elevate the material. The female lead, Tara Reid from "American Pie", plays an archaeologist. A couple of years later, Uwe Boll released a director's cut of this movie. The only difference between the director's cut and the original cut is that nearly all of Tara Reid's scenes were removed. Ouch.
It's a badly written junk pile with little ties to the source material. End of story.
Oh wait, it's not the end. There's a sequel.
Alone in the Dark 2 (2008)
Actually, I don't know if this is sequel or a remake or whatever. There's a character named Edward Carnby (played by Rick Yune), but there's nothing to suggest that this is at all related to the original movie. Sadly, the original movie is also a better "film" (I use that term loosely).
Directed by two unfortunate individuals (Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer, with Boll producing), the story for this sequel is, thankfully, much more simplified - but utterly friggin' boring. An evil formless witch creature needs to sacrifice someone with a magical dagger in order to come back to life, and only Edward Carnby and his allies stand in her way.
This is one of the dullest movies I've ever seen. Rick Yune (best known for playing villains in "The Fast and the Furious" and "Die Another Day") is the most charisma-barren "hero" I've ever seen in a movie. Plus, he spends half of the movie unconscious and the other half not motivating the plot in any way, shape or form. Oh wait, at the very end he saves the female lead from getting stabbed by a flying dagger. What a useful guy. The cast is peppered by familiar genre faces like Danny Trejo, Michael Pare, Bill Moseley and the great Lance Henriksen, who clearly had a hand in rewriting his own dialogue since his lines are the least embarrassing to hear.
Oh yeah, an important note to all filmmakers - NEVER, EVER MAKE YOUR MAIN VILLAIN A SHAPELESS INTELLIGENT CLOUD. NEVER.
I'm going to sit in the corner and cry for a little while.
BloodRayne (2005)
Okay, I'm back. (sniff)
I've never played "BloodRayne" before, so I can't compare the games to the movies. However, I do know that the games take place in the present day. This movie takes place during medieval times.
Rayne is half-human and half-vampire, a dhampir. She's pissed off, she's armed (with twin swords) and she wants to kill her evil vampire dad. Faster than you can say "Blade", she's embroiled in an underground war between vampire killers and vampire armies.
Admittedly, this movie falls in the category of "so bad it's good". It kept my attention with its abundance of gore, sex, and odd casting choices. Ben Kingsley as the evil vampire lord? Michael Madsen as a grizzled vampire killer with a fake looking wig? Urban tough chick Michelle Rodriguez as the daughter of a nobleman? Meat Loaf? Kristanna Loken is a fine actress who just can't seem to find a good role with which to showcase her abilities (she's best known as the lady terminator in "Terminator 3"). Like Christian Slater in that other movie, she seems to be giving it her best effort but is dragged down by the ocean of crap around her. This may be Uwe Boll's most professional looking movie up to this point, but it's still just something you'd watch to waste time on a Sunday afternoon on the Sci-Fi Channel. Oh, excuse me, it's just "SyFy" now.
BloodRayne: Deliverance (2007)
Welcome to the Wild West. Master vampire Billy the Kid and his gang of the undead have taken over the town of Deliverance, and it's up to Rayne to assemble a posse of gunslingers to take down the evil bloodsucker.
I nearly fell asleep several times during this one. While the original was kind of enjoyable, this lackluster follow up (also directed by Boll) is bereft of gore, sex, any original idea, spark of energy, or sign of life whatsoever. Natassia Malthe takes over for Kristanna Loken, and she just seems bored. Zack Ward plays Billy the Kid with a Transylvanian accent - the only hint of originality in this entire fiasco. Too bad, because I've always wanted to see a good vampire movie set in the Old West. Emphasis on "good".
BloodRayne: The Third Reich (2011)
Rayne's back, and now she's fighting Nazis! After accidentally infecting a Nazi commander with vampirism (whoops), everyone's favorite dhampir has to team up with a group of freedom fighters to stop the undead fascists from turning Hitler into one of them!
A marked improvement over the second one, "The Third Reich" (also Boll-directed) features the return of the wanton blood, sex, and so-bad-it's-good veneer that made the first one somewhat tolerable. Still poopie, however. Natassia Malthe reprises her role as Rayne and seems to be enjoying herself this time. But Michael Pare as a Nazi commander? Whatever. Clint Howard also appears, playing a raspy-voiced mad scientist. He's always a welcome sight.
And, best of all, "The Third Reich" has the shortest running time of all the Uwe Boll movies I've reviewed so far. Hell yeah! Woot!
There's so much more, but I just can't do it. Boll also made movies out of "Postal", "Tunnel Rats", and "Farcry", not to mention "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale".
Ah, ITNOTK:ADST. Best acronym ever. It's an excellent example of so-bad-it's-good filmmaking. A "Lord of the Rings" wannabe starring Jason Statham, featuring Burt Reynolds as a king and Ray Liotta as an evil wizard? Sign me up. I was planning on reviewing that and its sequel, but Netflix just won't let me see "In the Name of the King 2" starring Dolph Lundgren. What gives?
Thank you, Mr. Boll. Thank you for the headache. I need to lie down now. . .
Don't bother with it. I thought nothing could be worse than the 1994 movie, but it was. While the Van Damme movie acknowledged and reveled in its cheesy nature, this new movie takes itself so utterly serious and is so ineptly made that it makes the 1994 version look good. The 1994 movie was even a better adaptation - the 2010 "Street Fighter" can't even get the back stories right! M. Bison is an Irish gangster? WTF? Kristen Kreuk, as Chun Li, is a decent actress but she looks twelve years old, and the character is supposed to be in her 20's. This movie made me downright angry.
Which brings me to Uwe Boll. He's a jovial German fellow, an entrepreneurial businessman and filmmaker, and he's made some of the worst video game-to-movie adaptations of all time. After watching "Street Fighter" (2010), I somehow got it into my head that I should do a multi-part review of Mr. Boll's celluloid travesties. So I watched a few (curse you, Netflix!). After a short stay at the hospital where I was treated for severe brain damage, I now bring you this mess of short reviews/warnings. This is far from a complete list - I only made it through seven of his movies (almost half-way through his repertoire). Still, I think I deserve a medal or something. Maybe a Purple Heart.
House of the Dead (2003)
I've played these games at the arcade. Zombies attack you. You shoot them. Should be simple enough to make into a movie, da? Not for Uwe Boll. The story starts with a group of annoying dumb asses who are on their way to an island to participate in a rave (sponsored by Sega, ha, ha). They hitch a boat ride from a gun smuggler named Kirk. Get it? Captain Kirk? Har, har. They arrive on the island to find it completely deserted. The rave site has been destroyed and is splattered with blood, so naturally half of the party decides to head into the woods to find people and the other half decides to stay behind and drink from the abandoned kegs. Urgh. Zombies attack them. The characters fight them off with guns from Captain Kirk's boat. The main character of the story doesn't even show up until about a half an hour into the movie. Say what? There's a big battle with the zombies which is meant to be the film's big showpiece. It's full of "Matrix"-style slow motion and is backed by a shitty rap song. There are even flashes of the game edited into the narrative to, I don't know, remind you that you could be spending your time playing a good game instead of watching a bad movie. Then the protagonists must face the cause of all this evil - a pasty-faced immortal Spanish conquistador/scientist in a monk's robe who wants to take over the world! Naturally. Get me out of here.
The sad thing is, this movie is the front runner of the popular new wave of zombie movies. "28 Days Later", "Shaun of the Dead" and the "Dawn of the Dead" remake didn't hit theaters until the following year. I guess that makes Mr. Boll a genius!
I'd show you the trailer, but all of the links are flawed. Thank the Lord.
House of the Dead 2 (2005)
Okay, Uwe Boll didn't direct this one, some guy named Michael Hurst did. But Mr. Boll is thanked during the end credits, so this one counts.
A special forces team who deals exclusively with zombie outbreaks is sent to a college campus to find patient zero, the zombie that started it all, and take a sample of her blood in order to find a cure. Bang, bang, pow, boom, pop (zombie head explodes), kapow! This is a far better movie than the original. Having said that, it's still dull as dirt. There are some decent actors in the cast. James Parks makes a convincing slime ball, and leads Emmanuelle Vaugier (from the "Saw" series) and Ed Quinn have a good rapport, like "Moonlighting" with zombies. The story also ties in with the first film rather closely (the character played by Ellie Cornell even returns, minus her legs). Unfortunately, it's all too cliched and uninspired to recommend.
Alone in the Dark (2005)
I remember playing this game on PC when I was a young lad. It scared the poop out of me with its spooky atmosphere, foreboding music, and primo jump scares. In the game, you play investigator Edward Carnby, snooping around an old, dark house while solving puzzles and dodging beasties (yes, and zombies) that could have leapt straight from the pages of H.P. Lovecraft. It was a great game.
Not such a great movie. You know you're in trouble right from the start. The movie opens with scrolling text which explains the back story. It goes on. And on. And on. And it's narrated. Badly. This part sums up perfectly why this movie sucks. The plot line is a convoluted mess. In other words, the plot gets in the way of the story. It's something about an ancient, extinct tribe, a parallel world full of monsters, a magic portal, twelve orphans who get superpowers from scientific experiments, a secret government agency who investigates paranormal happenings, blah, blah, blah, I have ceased to care. In the end it's just a monster movie, so just dump all of that excess plot baggage, Mr. Boll. Christian Slater plays the lead role of Edward Carnby. He and co-star Stephen Dorff seem to be giving it the old "college try" but are unable to elevate the material. The female lead, Tara Reid from "American Pie", plays an archaeologist. A couple of years later, Uwe Boll released a director's cut of this movie. The only difference between the director's cut and the original cut is that nearly all of Tara Reid's scenes were removed. Ouch.
It's a badly written junk pile with little ties to the source material. End of story.
Oh wait, it's not the end. There's a sequel.
Alone in the Dark 2 (2008)
Actually, I don't know if this is sequel or a remake or whatever. There's a character named Edward Carnby (played by Rick Yune), but there's nothing to suggest that this is at all related to the original movie. Sadly, the original movie is also a better "film" (I use that term loosely).
Directed by two unfortunate individuals (Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer, with Boll producing), the story for this sequel is, thankfully, much more simplified - but utterly friggin' boring. An evil formless witch creature needs to sacrifice someone with a magical dagger in order to come back to life, and only Edward Carnby and his allies stand in her way.
This is one of the dullest movies I've ever seen. Rick Yune (best known for playing villains in "The Fast and the Furious" and "Die Another Day") is the most charisma-barren "hero" I've ever seen in a movie. Plus, he spends half of the movie unconscious and the other half not motivating the plot in any way, shape or form. Oh wait, at the very end he saves the female lead from getting stabbed by a flying dagger. What a useful guy. The cast is peppered by familiar genre faces like Danny Trejo, Michael Pare, Bill Moseley and the great Lance Henriksen, who clearly had a hand in rewriting his own dialogue since his lines are the least embarrassing to hear.
Oh yeah, an important note to all filmmakers - NEVER, EVER MAKE YOUR MAIN VILLAIN A SHAPELESS INTELLIGENT CLOUD. NEVER.
I'm going to sit in the corner and cry for a little while.
BloodRayne (2005)
Okay, I'm back. (sniff)
I've never played "BloodRayne" before, so I can't compare the games to the movies. However, I do know that the games take place in the present day. This movie takes place during medieval times.
Rayne is half-human and half-vampire, a dhampir. She's pissed off, she's armed (with twin swords) and she wants to kill her evil vampire dad. Faster than you can say "Blade", she's embroiled in an underground war between vampire killers and vampire armies.
Admittedly, this movie falls in the category of "so bad it's good". It kept my attention with its abundance of gore, sex, and odd casting choices. Ben Kingsley as the evil vampire lord? Michael Madsen as a grizzled vampire killer with a fake looking wig? Urban tough chick Michelle Rodriguez as the daughter of a nobleman? Meat Loaf? Kristanna Loken is a fine actress who just can't seem to find a good role with which to showcase her abilities (she's best known as the lady terminator in "Terminator 3"). Like Christian Slater in that other movie, she seems to be giving it her best effort but is dragged down by the ocean of crap around her. This may be Uwe Boll's most professional looking movie up to this point, but it's still just something you'd watch to waste time on a Sunday afternoon on the Sci-Fi Channel. Oh, excuse me, it's just "SyFy" now.
BloodRayne: Deliverance (2007)
Welcome to the Wild West. Master vampire Billy the Kid and his gang of the undead have taken over the town of Deliverance, and it's up to Rayne to assemble a posse of gunslingers to take down the evil bloodsucker.
I nearly fell asleep several times during this one. While the original was kind of enjoyable, this lackluster follow up (also directed by Boll) is bereft of gore, sex, any original idea, spark of energy, or sign of life whatsoever. Natassia Malthe takes over for Kristanna Loken, and she just seems bored. Zack Ward plays Billy the Kid with a Transylvanian accent - the only hint of originality in this entire fiasco. Too bad, because I've always wanted to see a good vampire movie set in the Old West. Emphasis on "good".
BloodRayne: The Third Reich (2011)
Rayne's back, and now she's fighting Nazis! After accidentally infecting a Nazi commander with vampirism (whoops), everyone's favorite dhampir has to team up with a group of freedom fighters to stop the undead fascists from turning Hitler into one of them!
A marked improvement over the second one, "The Third Reich" (also Boll-directed) features the return of the wanton blood, sex, and so-bad-it's-good veneer that made the first one somewhat tolerable. Still poopie, however. Natassia Malthe reprises her role as Rayne and seems to be enjoying herself this time. But Michael Pare as a Nazi commander? Whatever. Clint Howard also appears, playing a raspy-voiced mad scientist. He's always a welcome sight.
And, best of all, "The Third Reich" has the shortest running time of all the Uwe Boll movies I've reviewed so far. Hell yeah! Woot!
There's so much more, but I just can't do it. Boll also made movies out of "Postal", "Tunnel Rats", and "Farcry", not to mention "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale".
Ah, ITNOTK:ADST. Best acronym ever. It's an excellent example of so-bad-it's-good filmmaking. A "Lord of the Rings" wannabe starring Jason Statham, featuring Burt Reynolds as a king and Ray Liotta as an evil wizard? Sign me up. I was planning on reviewing that and its sequel, but Netflix just won't let me see "In the Name of the King 2" starring Dolph Lundgren. What gives?
Thank you, Mr. Boll. Thank you for the headache. I need to lie down now. . .
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Wrath of Godzilla, Part 10: The Weird Shall Inherit the Earth
And now for the three strangest movies in the entire Godzilla library. . .
Godzilla vs Hedorah (1971)
Better known as "Godzilla vs the Smog Monster", this movie was helmed by newcomer Yoshimitsu Banno. Producer Tomoyuki Tanaka was hospitalized for most of the production and, when he returned and saw the assembly cut of the film, he banned Banno from ever directing another Godzilla movie. Tanaka was true to his word.
This is a message movie. Supposedly, pollution is a bad thing. Hedorah is a giant walking mudsquid spawned from all of the garbage and toxins dumped into the sea. He feeds on carbon emissions, shoots acidic sludge balls and farts a deadly gas which dissolves human flesh. First discovered by a scientist and his kid (the scientist gets horrifically burned when he encounters the creature), the monster sucks up pollution, racks up a massive body count of Japanese citizens, and evolves through four stages of development until Godzilla arrives to show him who's boss (Godzilla first appears in a very dramatic shot, backed by a glorious sunrise). The scientist suggests that Hedorah was an alien life form brought to Earth by a fallen meteorite, but why he comes up with this theory, we'll never know (there's no evidence to suggest such a thing). The scientist figures out that the only way to kill Hedorah is to dry him out, so the military builds a massive super electric drying machine. With Godzilla's help, Hedorah is toast and the Earth is safe - but only if we change our dirty, wasteful ways. The End?
Even as a kid, I felt that this was a very schizophrenic movie. On one hand, we have the Godzilla-loving kid character (he's the one who names the smog monster "Hedorah") and all sorts of funny Godzilla action (this is the first movie where Godzilla performs one of his signature gestures, the "Godzilla nose wipe"). Then, on the other hand, we have scary Hedorah, who graphically dissolves people into sludgy skeletons, along with all sorts of in-your-face anti-pollution images meant to drive the point home, like a mewling cat covered in slime or a crying baby half-submerged in guck.
And then, all the weirdness. Lots of '70s-era "wockachicka" guitar music, the occasional crude animated sequence featuring Hedorah doing his dirty work, trippy opening credits, lava lamps, and a sequence set in a disco club where a character trips out and hallucinates that all the other club patrons have fish heads. My favorite weird sequence in the movie takes place on Mt. Fuji, where a group of hippies hold an anti-Hedorah dance party/protest, with a group of old people watching them from behind the bushes, looking like spooky ghosts. Hedorah soon arrives, and the hippies begin throwing torches at the monster until he gets fed up and dissolves them all. The director must really hate hippies.
Then the tone shifts back to silly. Case in point:
Godzilla flies. During this time period, Godzilla's main monster movie competitor was Gamera, the flying turtle. When fans would argue the merits of each monster, one of Gamera's biggest advantages was his ability to go airborne. I suspect that this was director Banno's way of snuffing out that advantage. But it's still dumb. There are also a couple of in-joke references to "Ultraman", a popular television series at the time which was also produced by Toho Studios. It featured a giant robot superhero who would fight a new monster each week. Many of these monsters were made from slightly modified monster suits from Godzilla films. The Godzilla suit itself even appeared in the series, with giant ears attached to the side of its head to distinguish it as a different monster.
Trivia note - Suit actor Kenpachiro Satsuma, who played Hedorah, got appendicitis one day while working on set. He had to have his appendix removed with the Hedorah suit still on, since it would have taken too long to remove. Then the appendix received a massive dose of radiation and went on a rampage through downtown Tokyo. I'm kidding about that last bit.
If you like weird cinema (I do), then this is the Godzilla movie for you. Hedorah is a unique foe, and there are some good monster scenes here, but, due to its schizoid nature, '70s pop-strangeness and kiddie film silliness, many hate it. In order to exacerbate the weirdness, I managed to find the German version of the "Godzilla vs Hedorah" trailer. Notice the word "Frankenstein" in the title. In Germany, most Godzilla movies were retitled as Frankenstein movies after the success of "Frankenstein Conquers the World". Enjoy!
Godzilla vs Gigan (1972)
Jun Fukuda, director of "Godzilla vs the Sea Monster" and "Son of Godzilla", returns to the fold, along with the legendary composer Akira Ifukube (here providing one of my favorite Godzilla scores) and FX man Teruyoshi Nakano. This is one of my most watched Godzilla movies when I was a youngling and I still find it to be loads of fun. It's also known as "Godzilla on Monster Island".
The story revolves around a manga artist (creator of such monsters as Shukra, the monster of homework, and Momagon, monster of strict mothers) who gets a job at Children's Land, a giant amusement park. At the center of the park stands Godzilla Tower, a full scale building which looks like Godzilla and houses a museum inside of it which is dedicated to spotlighting the monsters of the world. After stumbling onto a mysterious tape, the artist (along with his karate-expert sister) gets entangled with a girl (who's looking for her missing scientist brother) and her fat, funny hippy friend. They soon discover that the owners of Children's Land are aliens from Nebula M Space-Hunter who are here to kick humans off of Planet Earth. See, they come from a world where the original population of the planet was killed off by over-pollution (that old theme again). A new life form (cockroaches) took over Nebula M and evolved into the dominant life form, but the planet was still dying so they had to come here and try to take ours. So these Children's Land aliens are actually man-sized, intelligent cockroaches in stolen human bodies. Yuck.
They summon their pet beastie named Gigan (a giant flying insectoid critter with hook arms and a buzz saw in its chest) along with King Ghidorah. Godzilla and Anguirus, disturbed by the alien's control signal, leave Monster Island to engage in a massive four-way battle. The human characters rescue the girl's brother and blow up Godzilla Tower (not only is it the alien control center, but it can also shoot a powerful energy beam out of its "mouth"). Gigan and King G are beaten and driven into space, and Godzilla and Anguirus head back home.
The climactic battle is awesome. It was my favorite monster fight when I was a kid, and it remains one of my favorites today. It's brutal. Godzilla and Anguirus are pulverized to no end. For some reason, the director decided to use lots of spurting blood in the monster fight. This may be a reaction to the Gamera movies, which were for kids but also featured lots of bloody monster action. But it works. When the good monsters finally turn the tide and start to gain the upper hand on the baddies, it's a well-deserved "hell yeah" moment. It's a very well constructed fight.
There's an awful lot of stock footage, though. In an attempt to keep costs down (the Japanese film industry was collapsing at this point), Toho constructed these final few Godzilla movies in such a way so as to maximize footage and minimize money spent. For instance, putting Anguirus, King Ghidorah, and Godzilla in the movie allowed them to reuse footage of them from previous films. The only new footage shot for the film was the stuff featuring Gigan (like the last battle).
Then there's this scene:
Godzilla vs Hedorah (1971)
Better known as "Godzilla vs the Smog Monster", this movie was helmed by newcomer Yoshimitsu Banno. Producer Tomoyuki Tanaka was hospitalized for most of the production and, when he returned and saw the assembly cut of the film, he banned Banno from ever directing another Godzilla movie. Tanaka was true to his word.
This is a message movie. Supposedly, pollution is a bad thing. Hedorah is a giant walking mudsquid spawned from all of the garbage and toxins dumped into the sea. He feeds on carbon emissions, shoots acidic sludge balls and farts a deadly gas which dissolves human flesh. First discovered by a scientist and his kid (the scientist gets horrifically burned when he encounters the creature), the monster sucks up pollution, racks up a massive body count of Japanese citizens, and evolves through four stages of development until Godzilla arrives to show him who's boss (Godzilla first appears in a very dramatic shot, backed by a glorious sunrise). The scientist suggests that Hedorah was an alien life form brought to Earth by a fallen meteorite, but why he comes up with this theory, we'll never know (there's no evidence to suggest such a thing). The scientist figures out that the only way to kill Hedorah is to dry him out, so the military builds a massive super electric drying machine. With Godzilla's help, Hedorah is toast and the Earth is safe - but only if we change our dirty, wasteful ways. The End?
Even as a kid, I felt that this was a very schizophrenic movie. On one hand, we have the Godzilla-loving kid character (he's the one who names the smog monster "Hedorah") and all sorts of funny Godzilla action (this is the first movie where Godzilla performs one of his signature gestures, the "Godzilla nose wipe"). Then, on the other hand, we have scary Hedorah, who graphically dissolves people into sludgy skeletons, along with all sorts of in-your-face anti-pollution images meant to drive the point home, like a mewling cat covered in slime or a crying baby half-submerged in guck.
And then, all the weirdness. Lots of '70s-era "wockachicka" guitar music, the occasional crude animated sequence featuring Hedorah doing his dirty work, trippy opening credits, lava lamps, and a sequence set in a disco club where a character trips out and hallucinates that all the other club patrons have fish heads. My favorite weird sequence in the movie takes place on Mt. Fuji, where a group of hippies hold an anti-Hedorah dance party/protest, with a group of old people watching them from behind the bushes, looking like spooky ghosts. Hedorah soon arrives, and the hippies begin throwing torches at the monster until he gets fed up and dissolves them all. The director must really hate hippies.
Then the tone shifts back to silly. Case in point:
Godzilla flies. During this time period, Godzilla's main monster movie competitor was Gamera, the flying turtle. When fans would argue the merits of each monster, one of Gamera's biggest advantages was his ability to go airborne. I suspect that this was director Banno's way of snuffing out that advantage. But it's still dumb. There are also a couple of in-joke references to "Ultraman", a popular television series at the time which was also produced by Toho Studios. It featured a giant robot superhero who would fight a new monster each week. Many of these monsters were made from slightly modified monster suits from Godzilla films. The Godzilla suit itself even appeared in the series, with giant ears attached to the side of its head to distinguish it as a different monster.
Trivia note - Suit actor Kenpachiro Satsuma, who played Hedorah, got appendicitis one day while working on set. He had to have his appendix removed with the Hedorah suit still on, since it would have taken too long to remove. Then the appendix received a massive dose of radiation and went on a rampage through downtown Tokyo. I'm kidding about that last bit.
If you like weird cinema (I do), then this is the Godzilla movie for you. Hedorah is a unique foe, and there are some good monster scenes here, but, due to its schizoid nature, '70s pop-strangeness and kiddie film silliness, many hate it. In order to exacerbate the weirdness, I managed to find the German version of the "Godzilla vs Hedorah" trailer. Notice the word "Frankenstein" in the title. In Germany, most Godzilla movies were retitled as Frankenstein movies after the success of "Frankenstein Conquers the World". Enjoy!
Godzilla vs Gigan (1972)
Jun Fukuda, director of "Godzilla vs the Sea Monster" and "Son of Godzilla", returns to the fold, along with the legendary composer Akira Ifukube (here providing one of my favorite Godzilla scores) and FX man Teruyoshi Nakano. This is one of my most watched Godzilla movies when I was a youngling and I still find it to be loads of fun. It's also known as "Godzilla on Monster Island".
The story revolves around a manga artist (creator of such monsters as Shukra, the monster of homework, and Momagon, monster of strict mothers) who gets a job at Children's Land, a giant amusement park. At the center of the park stands Godzilla Tower, a full scale building which looks like Godzilla and houses a museum inside of it which is dedicated to spotlighting the monsters of the world. After stumbling onto a mysterious tape, the artist (along with his karate-expert sister) gets entangled with a girl (who's looking for her missing scientist brother) and her fat, funny hippy friend. They soon discover that the owners of Children's Land are aliens from Nebula M Space-Hunter who are here to kick humans off of Planet Earth. See, they come from a world where the original population of the planet was killed off by over-pollution (that old theme again). A new life form (cockroaches) took over Nebula M and evolved into the dominant life form, but the planet was still dying so they had to come here and try to take ours. So these Children's Land aliens are actually man-sized, intelligent cockroaches in stolen human bodies. Yuck.
They summon their pet beastie named Gigan (a giant flying insectoid critter with hook arms and a buzz saw in its chest) along with King Ghidorah. Godzilla and Anguirus, disturbed by the alien's control signal, leave Monster Island to engage in a massive four-way battle. The human characters rescue the girl's brother and blow up Godzilla Tower (not only is it the alien control center, but it can also shoot a powerful energy beam out of its "mouth"). Gigan and King G are beaten and driven into space, and Godzilla and Anguirus head back home.
The climactic battle is awesome. It was my favorite monster fight when I was a kid, and it remains one of my favorites today. It's brutal. Godzilla and Anguirus are pulverized to no end. For some reason, the director decided to use lots of spurting blood in the monster fight. This may be a reaction to the Gamera movies, which were for kids but also featured lots of bloody monster action. But it works. When the good monsters finally turn the tide and start to gain the upper hand on the baddies, it's a well-deserved "hell yeah" moment. It's a very well constructed fight.
There's an awful lot of stock footage, though. In an attempt to keep costs down (the Japanese film industry was collapsing at this point), Toho constructed these final few Godzilla movies in such a way so as to maximize footage and minimize money spent. For instance, putting Anguirus, King Ghidorah, and Godzilla in the movie allowed them to reuse footage of them from previous films. The only new footage shot for the film was the stuff featuring Gigan (like the last battle).
Then there's this scene:
Godzilla talks. This only happens in the American version, however. In the Japanese version, there aren't any words, just weird slurry audio tape noises and use of body language.
Despite all of the stock footage and the lackluster human storyline (although it's the best one of the three movies reviewed here) and the many cheesy touches, "Godzilla vs Gigan" benefits from a cool monster design (Gigan was always one of my favorites - he's cool looking and has a snidely "bad guy" attitude) and a kickass end fight. The music by Ifukube is awesome, as well. And this movie also marks the return of the Masers (Mobile Lasers) from "War of the Gargantuas"! Joy!
It's far from perfect, but I love it.
Godzilla vs Megalon (1973)
I've never seen the Japanese version of this movie. It was supposed to be released on DVD (for the first time ever!) early January 2012 (and on Blu-Ray as well), but it never happened. Apparently Toho was not pleased with the special features included on the disc, so the release was halted in order for Toho to examine and approve them. It's scheduled to drop sometime later this year, so instead I have to write this review using my old, battered VHS copy of the American version as a reference. Alas.
Then, for the first time in many years, I took a good look at the cover art for my copy of the movie:
!!!
Yup. That's Godzilla and Megalon battling on top of the World Trade Center towers with aircraft exploding all around them. Hey, the tape was released in the '80s! They had no idea. . .
In fact, the World Trade Center portion of this artwork was originally created for the poster of the 1976 remake of "King Kong", where the big ape does, indeed, climb the Twin Towers. The video company just reused that portion of the painting and substituted the Toho monsters for Kong, who originally stood with one foot on each tower. Still, these days, it's understandably off-putting.
So, the movie. We meet a nice couple of Japanese bachelors. One of them is a cool, dashing man of action dressed in '70s action hero garb. The other is a nerdy inventor who has created a humanoid robot named Jet Jaguar. They have a kid with an annoying voice (in the dubbed American version), and I think they live together. Hmmm. One day, some assailants break in and steal Jet Jaguar. No, they aren't aliens. They're agents from Seatopia, a kingdom located far beneath the ocean. It's suggested that they are the descendants of people from the sunken kingdoms of either Mu or Lemuria. We met the Mu descendants in "Atragon", and it was suggested that Mothra and the people of Infant Island are related as well, so these guys must be cousins or something. Anyway, they're tired of all the damage caused to their kingdom by nuclear tests, so they want to punish all surface dwellers by sending their own homegrown monster, Megalon. For some reason, they need Jet Jaguar to guide Megalon to its targets, where it can wreak havoc.
The good guys manage to get JJ back under control. They send him to Monster Island to get Godzilla. The Seatopians revert to Plan B. They call up their buddies from Nebula M Space-Hunter and ask them if they could please send Gigan to help out. They do. Such nice neighbors. JJ then "reprograms himself" to grow to Godzilla-size (sure) and helps the Big G fight Gigan and Megalon. The good guys win. Gigan flies back into space, Megalon goes back to Seatopia (where they "close all exit points"), and Godzilla and JJ go their separate ways after shaking hands. No, they really do shake hands. Really. JJ then shrinks back to human size and walks off into obscurity, his cheesy theme song playing in the background.
Many Godzilla fans call "Godzilla vs Megalon" the worst movie in the series. I think "All Monsters Attack" is still my least favorite. Most people only know this from a very popular episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000". In particular, they remember this moment:
Physics be damned.
There is a lot of stock footage in this movie, much of it coming from the previous entry, "Godzilla vs Gigan". Megalon, a giant beetle who can drill through the ground at a rapid pace, spit explosive pellets, and fly, can also shoot yellow electricity from the horn on his head. This electricity resembles the beams used by King Ghidorah, so Toho was able to use Ghidorah stock footage when Megalon fired his beams. Clever guys, those Japanese.
Jet Jaguar is lame. He can fly. He has a theme song. That's it. Actually, he was the result of a contest. Toho held a contest for kids to design a giant robot for their next movie. Jet Jaguar was the winning design. He was originally intended to get a movie of his own, but the producers decided to insert Godzilla into the story to increase box office. That's why Godzilla doesn't get very much screen time in this entry. And JJ never did make a return appearance.
Neither does Megalon. Hedorah and Gigan would only return one more time, in "Godzilla: Final Wars" (2004). I wish there was more from Gigan in the series. :^(
I recommend that, if you're going to watch "Godzilla vs Megalon", you get the MST3K version. It's much more entertaining. "Megalon" is easily the dopiest of all Godzilla movies. There's too much stock footage, too much silliness, too little Godzilla. Still, the monster fights are energetic and it's amusing in a "so bad it's good" sort of way. Jun Fukuda was the director, returning from "Gigan", and Riichiro Manabe provided another lame score (he scored "Hedorah"). Thankfully, the next two Godzilla movies are better quality.
Next time, it's Godzilla's last stand! The final two movies of the Showa series (a.k.a. Series 1).
Monday, January 16, 2012
The Top 25 Movies of 2010, Part 1
Another year, another list. Here we go.
I'm a year behind, and I like it that way. As you may or may not know, I like to give my Top Movie Lists a little more time to percolate before zeroing in on my choices. It filters out the trendy stuff and leaves the movies that I will actually be watching later on down the line. Hence 2010 and not 2011.
2010 was a tough year for movies. Overall, it was a shitty year (at least compared to 2009 or 2011), so it was tough picking 25 movies to fill the list. I could've narrowed it down, but 25 is just a groovy number, ain't it? And, of course, I will reveal my pick for Worst Movie at the end of Part 5.
Geronimo!
Centurion
Directed by Neil Marshal
It's northern England, at the height of the Roman Empire. The renowned 9th Legion is sent out in a last ditch attempt to sweep the native Pict armies from the face of the Earth, only to get annihilated themselves. Now a ragtag group of Roman soldiers, survivors of the massacre, must fight their way back to friendly territory. Marshal, master of low budget cinemayhem like "Dog Soldiers", "The Descent", and "Doomsday", delivers another dose of propulsive, gritty mayhem anchored by deft characterizations, punchy action, blood, thunder and valor. Which means I like it, a lot. Throw in a great musical score, awesome (and misty) Scottish vistas, and solid performances (especially by lead actor Michael Fassbender, who's everywhere these days, and ex-Bond Girl Olga Kurylenko as a silent, vicious, yet sympathetic, villain) and you've got something that easily outdoes anything in "300". There's also a lot of peeing in the movie. If that doesn't convince you to see it, then I don't know what will.
Despicable Me
Directed by Chris Renaud and Pierre Coffin
The first animated offering from Illumination Entertainment, "Despicable Me" may be the cutest movie of 2010. The film follows the schemes of Gru (Steve Carell), a down-on-his-luck supervillain, and his obsessive efforts to steal the Moon and become the world's top baddie. In order to do so, he needs to adopt a trio of little girls from the local orphanage in order to procure a shrink ray gun from rival villain Vector. That old story. Steve Carell's ridiculous accent nearly steals the movie, but it's his babbling army of Minions who make the biggest impression. They're hilarious, and I wish I had some Shifty Minions of my own. Lots of funny, off-the-wall jokes abound, and there's a nice emotional core to this movie as well, provided by Gru's relationship with his faux adopted kids. It's not quite Pixar-level, but close. Curse you, tiny toilet!
The Fighter
Directed by David O. Russell
Yeah, "Rocky" is one of my favorite movies (and movie series) of all time, so I have a soft spot for boxing movies. While "The Fighter" does indeed owe plenty to ol' Sly, it's also based on a true story. Mickey Ward (Mark Wahlberg) is a young up-and-coming boxer with big dreams. His older brother and trainer Dickie, played by Christian Bale, is a local legend known for his stunning knockdown of Sugar Ray Leonard many years earlier. He's also a no-good crackhead. Now, in order to fulfill his dreams, Mickey might have to leave his brother, and his crazy manager mother (Melissa Leo) behind. Bale's got the showiest role, and he commands the screen with his twitchy presence whenever he's there, but he's nearly outdone by the ladies, in particular Leo, as momma Ward, and Amy Adams, as Mickey's feisty new lady. Mark Wahlberg is, well, Mark Wahlberg. He does okay, but it's Russell's seemingly effortless direction and the other stellar performances which seal the deal for me. The characters are endearing, even when they're bickering like children. There are some perfectly chosen song cues as well, and it all builds up to the "big fight", which had me cheering like a schoolgirl at a Justin Bieber concert. The "Rocky" formula, when done well, always works.
Shutter Island
Directed by Martin Scorcese
Leonardo DiCaprio was in two major "mindfuck" movies in 2010, with "Inception" being the other one. Back then, "Inception" was the one I dug most, but as time rolls on, I'm now at the point where I prefer "Shutter Island". Based on the novel by Dennis Lehane, the movie follows a U.S. Marshal in the 1950s, played by DiCaprio, as he investigates the disappearance of a patient from the most secure looney bin in the United States. Crazy shit happens. Honestly, I figured out the "big twist" from the trailer, long before I went to see the movie. But that doesn't matter. Knowing the "big twist" actually adds an unexpected undercurrent of humor to many of the scenes. Even though this is only his second horror movie (the other being "Cape Fear"), Scorcese knows how to unsettle and get you in the gut (emotionally). It's also a visually fantastic movie, backed up with a score composed entirely of classical music and music from other movies, with "This Bitter Earth" by Dinah Washington (one of my favorite songs of all time) playing over the end credits. The cast is perfect. The visual effects are artfully crafted. The trip into Ward C is scary as hell. I also love the fractured editing and every one of the deliberate continuity errors. And the very last scene gets me every time (sheds a single tear). It's a hard-hitting trip to crazy town and I love it.
The Good, the Bad, the Weird
Directed by Kim Jee-Woon
A very loose remake of Sergio Leone's "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly", this movie takes place in 1930's Korea, when the Japanese and the Chinese were fighting over the country and everything suspiciously resembled America's Wild West. Three disparate characters - a lone crazy person on a motorcycle (Song Kang-Ho, the Weird), a vicious assassin (Lee Byung-Hun, the Bad), and an upstanding bounty hunter (Jung Woo-Sung, the Good) all fight for possession of a mysterious treasure map and the promise of reward it holds. Stylish and adrenaline-charged, this is easily my favorite action movie of 2010. Colorful characters abound, and the movie is shot through with a playful sense of humor. Jee-Woon pulls it all together with style and grace, culminating in a massively epic desert chase sequence which takes the cake as best action sequence of the year. While there are a couple of baffling plot twists and more than a few disposable (but amusing) characters, the movie leaves you with a lingering adrenaline rush not unlike the one delivered by Tarantino's "Kill Bill" movies. Cool stuff.
I'm a year behind, and I like it that way. As you may or may not know, I like to give my Top Movie Lists a little more time to percolate before zeroing in on my choices. It filters out the trendy stuff and leaves the movies that I will actually be watching later on down the line. Hence 2010 and not 2011.
2010 was a tough year for movies. Overall, it was a shitty year (at least compared to 2009 or 2011), so it was tough picking 25 movies to fill the list. I could've narrowed it down, but 25 is just a groovy number, ain't it? And, of course, I will reveal my pick for Worst Movie at the end of Part 5.
Geronimo!
Centurion
Directed by Neil Marshal
It's northern England, at the height of the Roman Empire. The renowned 9th Legion is sent out in a last ditch attempt to sweep the native Pict armies from the face of the Earth, only to get annihilated themselves. Now a ragtag group of Roman soldiers, survivors of the massacre, must fight their way back to friendly territory. Marshal, master of low budget cinemayhem like "Dog Soldiers", "The Descent", and "Doomsday", delivers another dose of propulsive, gritty mayhem anchored by deft characterizations, punchy action, blood, thunder and valor. Which means I like it, a lot. Throw in a great musical score, awesome (and misty) Scottish vistas, and solid performances (especially by lead actor Michael Fassbender, who's everywhere these days, and ex-Bond Girl Olga Kurylenko as a silent, vicious, yet sympathetic, villain) and you've got something that easily outdoes anything in "300". There's also a lot of peeing in the movie. If that doesn't convince you to see it, then I don't know what will.
Despicable Me
Directed by Chris Renaud and Pierre Coffin
The first animated offering from Illumination Entertainment, "Despicable Me" may be the cutest movie of 2010. The film follows the schemes of Gru (Steve Carell), a down-on-his-luck supervillain, and his obsessive efforts to steal the Moon and become the world's top baddie. In order to do so, he needs to adopt a trio of little girls from the local orphanage in order to procure a shrink ray gun from rival villain Vector. That old story. Steve Carell's ridiculous accent nearly steals the movie, but it's his babbling army of Minions who make the biggest impression. They're hilarious, and I wish I had some Shifty Minions of my own. Lots of funny, off-the-wall jokes abound, and there's a nice emotional core to this movie as well, provided by Gru's relationship with his faux adopted kids. It's not quite Pixar-level, but close. Curse you, tiny toilet!
The Fighter
Directed by David O. Russell
Yeah, "Rocky" is one of my favorite movies (and movie series) of all time, so I have a soft spot for boxing movies. While "The Fighter" does indeed owe plenty to ol' Sly, it's also based on a true story. Mickey Ward (Mark Wahlberg) is a young up-and-coming boxer with big dreams. His older brother and trainer Dickie, played by Christian Bale, is a local legend known for his stunning knockdown of Sugar Ray Leonard many years earlier. He's also a no-good crackhead. Now, in order to fulfill his dreams, Mickey might have to leave his brother, and his crazy manager mother (Melissa Leo) behind. Bale's got the showiest role, and he commands the screen with his twitchy presence whenever he's there, but he's nearly outdone by the ladies, in particular Leo, as momma Ward, and Amy Adams, as Mickey's feisty new lady. Mark Wahlberg is, well, Mark Wahlberg. He does okay, but it's Russell's seemingly effortless direction and the other stellar performances which seal the deal for me. The characters are endearing, even when they're bickering like children. There are some perfectly chosen song cues as well, and it all builds up to the "big fight", which had me cheering like a schoolgirl at a Justin Bieber concert. The "Rocky" formula, when done well, always works.
Shutter Island
Directed by Martin Scorcese
Leonardo DiCaprio was in two major "mindfuck" movies in 2010, with "Inception" being the other one. Back then, "Inception" was the one I dug most, but as time rolls on, I'm now at the point where I prefer "Shutter Island". Based on the novel by Dennis Lehane, the movie follows a U.S. Marshal in the 1950s, played by DiCaprio, as he investigates the disappearance of a patient from the most secure looney bin in the United States. Crazy shit happens. Honestly, I figured out the "big twist" from the trailer, long before I went to see the movie. But that doesn't matter. Knowing the "big twist" actually adds an unexpected undercurrent of humor to many of the scenes. Even though this is only his second horror movie (the other being "Cape Fear"), Scorcese knows how to unsettle and get you in the gut (emotionally). It's also a visually fantastic movie, backed up with a score composed entirely of classical music and music from other movies, with "This Bitter Earth" by Dinah Washington (one of my favorite songs of all time) playing over the end credits. The cast is perfect. The visual effects are artfully crafted. The trip into Ward C is scary as hell. I also love the fractured editing and every one of the deliberate continuity errors. And the very last scene gets me every time (sheds a single tear). It's a hard-hitting trip to crazy town and I love it.
The Good, the Bad, the Weird
Directed by Kim Jee-Woon
A very loose remake of Sergio Leone's "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly", this movie takes place in 1930's Korea, when the Japanese and the Chinese were fighting over the country and everything suspiciously resembled America's Wild West. Three disparate characters - a lone crazy person on a motorcycle (Song Kang-Ho, the Weird), a vicious assassin (Lee Byung-Hun, the Bad), and an upstanding bounty hunter (Jung Woo-Sung, the Good) all fight for possession of a mysterious treasure map and the promise of reward it holds. Stylish and adrenaline-charged, this is easily my favorite action movie of 2010. Colorful characters abound, and the movie is shot through with a playful sense of humor. Jee-Woon pulls it all together with style and grace, culminating in a massively epic desert chase sequence which takes the cake as best action sequence of the year. While there are a couple of baffling plot twists and more than a few disposable (but amusing) characters, the movie leaves you with a lingering adrenaline rush not unlike the one delivered by Tarantino's "Kill Bill" movies. Cool stuff.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Link to the Future
Finally, after 25 years, the creator of "The Legend of Zelda" video games (Shigeru Miyamoto) has unveiled the official story timeline for the entire series, putting to rest decades of fan speculation and nerdy bickering. This timeline, known as the Miyamoto Order, is unnecessarily convoluted and confusing, but that's what happens when you try to retrofit a cohesive structure onto something that was created without the intention of becoming one epic story.
In other words, it just wasn't necessary. Each time I played a new Zelda game, I just assumed that it was a reboot of the classic Zelda story (with a couple of exceptions, like "Zelda II: The Adventure of Link", a direct sequel). It really didn't matter to me, in the end.
Here's a fan film which sums up the confusion nicely and also combines the Zelda franchise with one of my favorite movie trilogies.
In other words, it just wasn't necessary. Each time I played a new Zelda game, I just assumed that it was a reboot of the classic Zelda story (with a couple of exceptions, like "Zelda II: The Adventure of Link", a direct sequel). It really didn't matter to me, in the end.
Here's a fan film which sums up the confusion nicely and also combines the Zelda franchise with one of my favorite movie trilogies.
Monday, January 9, 2012
The Wrath of Godzilla, Part 9: All the Heavenly Hosts
In the late 1960s, the Japanese film industry was in trouble. Desperate for some cheddar, Toho Studios decided to take a cue from the "monster rally" movies produced by Universal Studios in the 1940s, which put all of their famous monster characters (Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolf Man) onscreen at the same time. The result, for them, was box office gold. Thus. . .
Destroy All Monsters (1968)
. . . was born.
Not only was Toho keen on grouping most of their monsters into a single film, but they also reassembled the original "Gojira" creative team of Ishiro Honda, Eiji Tsuburya, and Akira Ifukube - and old-school kaiju magic was born. . . again.
Set 30 years in the fuuuuuture (a.k.a. 1999), "Destroy All Monsters" opens on Bonin Island (Monster Island?), where humanity has confined all of the worlds monsters in a kind of resort prison. Thankfully, they all get along well together, but the landmass is still fenced in with gas deterrents and magnetic barriers, just in case. There's also a control room beneath the island from which goobers can monitor the beastly inmates. Well, until the power goes out and the monsters break free, which happens fairly quickly. Soon Rodan is swooping over Moscow, Gorosaurus is in Paris, smashing the Arc de Triomphe, Godzilla is crushing New York City (way before his American debut), and Mothra (in larval form - must be an offspring of the previous Mothra) crawls through China.
A high-tech spaceship, the Moonlight SY-3, is recalled from moon duty to investigate the control center (don't they have anything closer?). There they discover - shocker - that aliens have taken it over. And not just normal aliens, but lady aliens in sparkly space jumpsuits! They call themselves the Kilaaks, and they demand sanctuary on planet Earth, or else all of the monsters, which are under Kilaak control, will destroy civilization. Why can't they just ask nicely?
The Kilaaks hail from the asteroid belt which runs between Mars and Jupiter. That's funny, because so did the Mysterians (from 1957's "The Mysterians"). If you recall, the Mysterians had destroyed their planet in a massive nuclear war, and the resulting radiation had rendered them unable to make Mysterian babies so they invaded Earth for both sanctuary and breeding stock (womenfolk). What a coincidence, because here come the Kilaaks from the same general area of space. Are Kilaaks just Mysterian women? Could be. The Mysterians appeared to be all males. It must have been one hell of a mass divorce.
Not only are the Kilaaks controlling monsters (via transmitters hidden throughout the landscape), but they also control various humans via subdermal transmitters. After various shootouts and monster mashes (including one highlight where Godzilla, Rodan, Manda and Mothra take out Tokyo), the SY-3 discovers the transmission control base on the moon and takes it out, freeing the monsters of Earth and revealing the true forms of the Kilaaks (large tadpoles made of rock). In a last-ditch effort, the Kilaaks send in King Ghidorah to, hell, I don't know - die. So he does, after getting his golden ass handed to him repeatedly by the overwhelming collection of monsters he's facing. He had no chance.
Next, a "fire dragon" appears and destroys some shit in retaliation. It turns out just to be an alien spacecraft hidden within a ball of fire, and after the SY-3 takes it down, the monsters return to their resort prison, wave goodbye to the camera, and all is right in the universe.
They really didn't spend much time in devising the plot for this one, nor did they even bother with any character development. "Destroy All Monsters" is wall-to-wall action. Some kaiju fans claim that this is how they prefer it. They hate when all that stupid "human stuff" gets in the way of the monsters, but I think, when done right, the human plotlines can play off of, and enhance, the kaiju plotlines. There are a couple of upcoming Godzilla movies which get this absolutely perfect. But not this one. On a purely juvenile level, "Destroy All Monsters" delivers, in spades. There's just not much between the ears.
Let's take a look at the lineup: Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, Anguirus, King Ghidorah, Minilla, Kumonga, Manda, Varan, Baragon, and Gorosaurus. Some monsters get more screen time than others. Varan and Baragon merely have cameos, and when we see Varan, it's not even a full-sized Varan suit - it's a small prop model used for promotional tours!
Here's my plea - if you're putting together a Godzilla marathon, save this movie for the end of Series 1! "Terror of Mechagodzilla"(1979) is the final movie in the original series, but "Destroy All Monsters" is a much better finale. I have a couple of reasons for this. For one thing, it just feels like a finale. It's the biggest movie in the series, and the final "monster farewell" montage at the end is a great way to close it all out. Plus, the movie takes place in 1999 and all of the subsequent movies take place in the 60s/70s, so it makes more sense from a chronological standpoint. And, finally, King Ghidorah is dead. His body lies lifeless and broken at the end of this movie, yet he makes one more series appearance in "Godzilla vs Gigan"(1972). Uh-uh. No way. He's dead, Jim. Even the lights in his eyes are snuffed out. Save "Destroy All Monsters" for last.
All Monsters Attack (1969)
Known as "Godzilla's Revenge" in the United States (neither title is appropriate), this is the black sheep of all Godzilla movies and is considered to be the worst movie in the series by most fans. I'd have to agree, with one caveat - this is the most kids-oriented of all the Godzilla films and, considering that it's entertainment for tykes and not for me, it's okay.
It's also the shortest of all the movies. It's 69 minutes long, and half of that is stock footage from previous movies. Damn, they really made this one cheap.
The story revolves around our protagonist Ichiro, a precocious little latch key kid who's constantly bullied by another kid named Gabara. In his rich fantasy life, Ichiro likes to visit Monster Island and hang around with his pal Minilla (who, in his dreams, can shrink himself down to Ichiro's size) and watch Godzilla battle other monsters in stock footage. Most of the monster scenes in this movie come from "Godzilla vs the Sea Monster" and "Son of Godzilla". The only original footage in this film features a new monster named Gabara (coincidence, eh?), a silly beast born from a child's imagination. He's bright green and can deliver electric shocks from his skin. Monster Gabara likes to bully Minilla, but Minilla eventually finds the will to stand up to him and defeat him (with help from daddy). Learning from his monster friend, Ichiro finds the confidence to stand up to real-life bully Gabara - and also to outfox a couple of bank robbers in hiding who hold him at knifepoint. Yikes! There's a happy ending, an annoying song, and Bob's your uncle.
Not much to say here, since most of the movie is recycled. Here's the roster: Godzilla, Minilla, Gabara (his one and only appearance), Anguirus, Ebirah, Gorosaurus, Kamacuras, Kumonga, and Manda. Godzilla's main theatrical competition during this era was Gamera, the flying turtle, who was kicking his ass at the box office. I suspect that "All Monsters Attack" was Toho's attempt to capture some of Gamera's more kid-friendly magic. It must not have worked, since Godzilla returned to his (slightly) more serious roots for the next few entries.
Next up, Godzilla goes Green!
Destroy All Monsters (1968)
. . . was born.
Not only was Toho keen on grouping most of their monsters into a single film, but they also reassembled the original "Gojira" creative team of Ishiro Honda, Eiji Tsuburya, and Akira Ifukube - and old-school kaiju magic was born. . . again.
Set 30 years in the fuuuuuture (a.k.a. 1999), "Destroy All Monsters" opens on Bonin Island (Monster Island?), where humanity has confined all of the worlds monsters in a kind of resort prison. Thankfully, they all get along well together, but the landmass is still fenced in with gas deterrents and magnetic barriers, just in case. There's also a control room beneath the island from which goobers can monitor the beastly inmates. Well, until the power goes out and the monsters break free, which happens fairly quickly. Soon Rodan is swooping over Moscow, Gorosaurus is in Paris, smashing the Arc de Triomphe, Godzilla is crushing New York City (way before his American debut), and Mothra (in larval form - must be an offspring of the previous Mothra) crawls through China.
A high-tech spaceship, the Moonlight SY-3, is recalled from moon duty to investigate the control center (don't they have anything closer?). There they discover - shocker - that aliens have taken it over. And not just normal aliens, but lady aliens in sparkly space jumpsuits! They call themselves the Kilaaks, and they demand sanctuary on planet Earth, or else all of the monsters, which are under Kilaak control, will destroy civilization. Why can't they just ask nicely?
The Kilaaks hail from the asteroid belt which runs between Mars and Jupiter. That's funny, because so did the Mysterians (from 1957's "The Mysterians"). If you recall, the Mysterians had destroyed their planet in a massive nuclear war, and the resulting radiation had rendered them unable to make Mysterian babies so they invaded Earth for both sanctuary and breeding stock (womenfolk). What a coincidence, because here come the Kilaaks from the same general area of space. Are Kilaaks just Mysterian women? Could be. The Mysterians appeared to be all males. It must have been one hell of a mass divorce.
Not only are the Kilaaks controlling monsters (via transmitters hidden throughout the landscape), but they also control various humans via subdermal transmitters. After various shootouts and monster mashes (including one highlight where Godzilla, Rodan, Manda and Mothra take out Tokyo), the SY-3 discovers the transmission control base on the moon and takes it out, freeing the monsters of Earth and revealing the true forms of the Kilaaks (large tadpoles made of rock). In a last-ditch effort, the Kilaaks send in King Ghidorah to, hell, I don't know - die. So he does, after getting his golden ass handed to him repeatedly by the overwhelming collection of monsters he's facing. He had no chance.
Next, a "fire dragon" appears and destroys some shit in retaliation. It turns out just to be an alien spacecraft hidden within a ball of fire, and after the SY-3 takes it down, the monsters return to their resort prison, wave goodbye to the camera, and all is right in the universe.
They really didn't spend much time in devising the plot for this one, nor did they even bother with any character development. "Destroy All Monsters" is wall-to-wall action. Some kaiju fans claim that this is how they prefer it. They hate when all that stupid "human stuff" gets in the way of the monsters, but I think, when done right, the human plotlines can play off of, and enhance, the kaiju plotlines. There are a couple of upcoming Godzilla movies which get this absolutely perfect. But not this one. On a purely juvenile level, "Destroy All Monsters" delivers, in spades. There's just not much between the ears.
Let's take a look at the lineup: Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, Anguirus, King Ghidorah, Minilla, Kumonga, Manda, Varan, Baragon, and Gorosaurus. Some monsters get more screen time than others. Varan and Baragon merely have cameos, and when we see Varan, it's not even a full-sized Varan suit - it's a small prop model used for promotional tours!
Here's my plea - if you're putting together a Godzilla marathon, save this movie for the end of Series 1! "Terror of Mechagodzilla"(1979) is the final movie in the original series, but "Destroy All Monsters" is a much better finale. I have a couple of reasons for this. For one thing, it just feels like a finale. It's the biggest movie in the series, and the final "monster farewell" montage at the end is a great way to close it all out. Plus, the movie takes place in 1999 and all of the subsequent movies take place in the 60s/70s, so it makes more sense from a chronological standpoint. And, finally, King Ghidorah is dead. His body lies lifeless and broken at the end of this movie, yet he makes one more series appearance in "Godzilla vs Gigan"(1972). Uh-uh. No way. He's dead, Jim. Even the lights in his eyes are snuffed out. Save "Destroy All Monsters" for last.
All Monsters Attack (1969)
Known as "Godzilla's Revenge" in the United States (neither title is appropriate), this is the black sheep of all Godzilla movies and is considered to be the worst movie in the series by most fans. I'd have to agree, with one caveat - this is the most kids-oriented of all the Godzilla films and, considering that it's entertainment for tykes and not for me, it's okay.
It's also the shortest of all the movies. It's 69 minutes long, and half of that is stock footage from previous movies. Damn, they really made this one cheap.
The story revolves around our protagonist Ichiro, a precocious little latch key kid who's constantly bullied by another kid named Gabara. In his rich fantasy life, Ichiro likes to visit Monster Island and hang around with his pal Minilla (who, in his dreams, can shrink himself down to Ichiro's size) and watch Godzilla battle other monsters in stock footage. Most of the monster scenes in this movie come from "Godzilla vs the Sea Monster" and "Son of Godzilla". The only original footage in this film features a new monster named Gabara (coincidence, eh?), a silly beast born from a child's imagination. He's bright green and can deliver electric shocks from his skin. Monster Gabara likes to bully Minilla, but Minilla eventually finds the will to stand up to him and defeat him (with help from daddy). Learning from his monster friend, Ichiro finds the confidence to stand up to real-life bully Gabara - and also to outfox a couple of bank robbers in hiding who hold him at knifepoint. Yikes! There's a happy ending, an annoying song, and Bob's your uncle.
Not much to say here, since most of the movie is recycled. Here's the roster: Godzilla, Minilla, Gabara (his one and only appearance), Anguirus, Ebirah, Gorosaurus, Kamacuras, Kumonga, and Manda. Godzilla's main theatrical competition during this era was Gamera, the flying turtle, who was kicking his ass at the box office. I suspect that "All Monsters Attack" was Toho's attempt to capture some of Gamera's more kid-friendly magic. It must not have worked, since Godzilla returned to his (slightly) more serious roots for the next few entries.
Next up, Godzilla goes Green!
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